Sometimes not having contact with your fellow stray is the best approach. No contact means just that; no seeing each other in person, no talking on the phone, email, text, no messaging through the kids or others, no smoke signals, nothing. This is done for a few reasons, but the most important ones are for the safety and healing of the betrayed partner as they try to regain control of their own lives. In addition, however, it also seems to have an effect on the straying partner, making him see things with new eyes or perhaps helping him get off the fence. There is nothing more revealing for a fencer than to have one of your options suddenly taken away. There he/she is, perched on top of your fence, carefully observing and comparing both sides, thinking that even though they have a very important decision to make that will affect the rest of their lives, it is great that they have so much time to weigh their options. and make the right decision. Well, imagine their surprise when you suddenly take away their safety net AND one of their options, all in one fell swoop! Is that how it works:

First of all, not having contact with your erring partner is not the same as the non-contact you expect from your erring partner and their love partner. That kind of no contact means exactly what it sounds like… NO CONTACT AT ALL. This non-contact is determined by the betrayed partner. In other words, you can choose all the terms, ie. when, where, how and content.

Second, don’t tell your fellow stray what your intentions are. This will most likely cause the whole plan to blow up in your face. They didn’t tell you they were going to cheat on you first, did they? So get rid of those guilty feelings!

The best way to implement this plan is to use caller ID as much as possible.

DO NOT answer your calls 75% of the time. If it doesn’t relate to kids or finances, don’t bother calling them back. Now, of course you want the children to have an active and healthy relationship with their other parent, so it’s okay if you answer the phone once in a while. It’s also okay for your children to answer the phone directly when the other parent calls, but make sure they don’t let themselves be called to the phone. If you think you are putting the kids in the middle, then by all means GET BUSY INTENTIONALLY when you see your name flashing on the caller ID. All it takes is a message for the child when called on the phone, “No, I can’t answer the phone right now. Tell them you have my permission to take a message for me.” The point is to make yourself unavailable.

Remember, the next time you kindly decide to take your call, DO NOT talk about anything except the kids and finances. Feelings should not be discussed, especially of the betrayed partner. NONE. NONE. NONE. I have it? But please be as sweet as you can be. Be kind and loving, but impersonal. Do not provide personal information about yourself. Answer their questions, say what you have to say, and hang up. That’s all. Never cry, beg, or show any negative emotion.

Now is the time to set up a visitation schedule that most people do when they get separated or divorced anyway. Try to make it at least one night on weekdays and alternate weekends. This also has multiple advantages. First, it buys him time to deal with the curveball thrown at him. Not many people can face infidelity and not be deeply affected. You need time to take care of yourself, so make sure you get it. It also gives them a chance to see what their life will be like soon. Do you want a divorce? Well then, let them experience what it will be like NOW.

But the most important part of this visiting schedule is this: You MUST not be available to your stray companion and children during this time. When you don’t have your kids, don’t answer the phone and try not to be home (or at least not be home so it looks like you’re busy). It doesn’t matter if your plans are a trip to Wal-Mart for bug spray and toenail fungus. IT’S GONE AND NOT AVAILABLE.

Your stray partner will almost certainly notice these changes in you and begin to wonder and think. They see that you have climbed out of your pit of despair and are now nice and happy again. They see you being active and social. This makes them wonder what’s wrong. Most likely, they will begin to be questioned by them, since now they begin to notice the changes. They may not be word for word, but they will definitely be something similar to this:

How are you?

Where were you?

Who were you with?

What were you doing?

Now here are the answers you need to use for this exercise to be effective.

How are you? OK (It’s important not to reciprocate their questions. Act like you don’t care.)

Where were you? OUTSIDE

Who were you with? NOBODY YOU WOULD KNOW

What were you doing? SIMPLY THINGS. If they persist tell them: THINGS THAT DO NOT INTEREST YOU.

This creates a bit of mystery and turns them on their head. Remember to be as polite as possible when giving these answers. Be vague but truthful. Wal-Mart is out, right? And the cashier is probably someone you wouldn’t know, right? See? It may look like a game, but you’re not actually lying. You are just creating mystery.

Another effective technique to add to the above is to change something about yourself, such as your hair color or style, a new outfit, painting your nails, wearing a new scent, growing a beard, etc. They’ll notice it in a jiffy, but no. never point it out yourself. Have them ask if they want to know. And believe me, they do.

Most of the time, you will arrive at one of two results. Or the marriage will end and you are already much further down the road to recovery. You have distanced yourself enough from them to begin to heal and plan for your own future. Or they’ll reassess their situation and realize exactly what they’re about to throw away. They throw them off the fence, so to speak. Regardless of which option they choose (and remember, you have options too), one thing is certain. It will aid your own healing process by giving you a much-needed boost of self-esteem exactly when you need it. It will help you step back and assess the situation for what it really is and give you clarity to make the best decision for you. This is not a game and it really works.