Sometimes I hear from people who are extremely upset because they are dealing with two very serious problems. The first is that they are separated but wish they weren’t. The second is that they had an opportunity to reconcile or get back together and it failed. So now, not only are they still apart, but they don’t know if they’ll ever get the chance to try again.

Someone might say, “My husband and I broke up because I felt he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. He denied it, but his behavior towards me had changed. We have been married for over 15 years and I know his behavior very well. I knew something was wrong. When I tried to discuss this with him, he honestly made things worse instead of better. So I felt it was better if we took a little break. Honestly, I didn’t expect the break to last very long But weeks would go by without us speaking. I stayed with my aunt who said I was welcome as long as I needed to be there. Very slowly my husband started calling me again and begging me to come home. I’m not the type of person that he’s going to relent immediately but I missed him so much that after a couple of weeks of begging I gave in and went back home. Immediately things were tense and horrible. I was hoping for a happy homecoming, but what really happened was whatever anything but that. I finally started to ask him what was wrong. At first he denied any problem but I went with it. He finally admitted that he has real feelings for the other woman at work, though he continues to deny any inappropriate relationship. I got so mad about this that I packed my bag and went back to my aunts. He no longer begs me. When I talk to him, he’s in a hurry to hang up the phone. Now I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake. By leaving like I did, he is now free to pursue a relationship with the other woman. Essentially, I gave her free rein to come and take my husband away if that’s what she wants to do. Should he come home unannounced? He didn’t ask me to leave. I did it on my own. My fear is that if I go back home, things will be tense again.”

This is a complicated situation. And it happens a lot. These kinds of unfortunate situations are often the reason I encourage couples to seek counseling during their separation and to take it easy. It’s a little harder to fix this than it would have been to rebuild the foundation before attempting reconciliation. However, none of this is impossible. But because you perceive that the other woman is in the photo, you feel like you don’t have the luxury of time. One way around this is to try to schedule regular times to meet (preferably to seek counseling or at least work on your relationship). If she thinks that her husband will not want counselling, then she can try just asking him to support you in sessions for you. This is a roundabout way of involving him, in the hope that he will gradually feel more comfortable. the counselor may incorporate the subject of her marriage. You might as well meet up for coffee or dinner afterward, but at least this way, you’re working towards something and laying the groundwork instead of just hoping for the best without making any real changes.

If you don’t agree to this right away, just try to wait without pressure. Go back to what you did before when he called you regularly. If you’ve been successful at being patient and optimistic before, then consider doing it one more time.

I know you fear that he will immediately start a relationship with another woman, but just because he admits his feelings for her doesn’t mean he’s going to go after her right away. I’m not saying he can’t or doesn’t want to. I’m just saying it’s better to wait and see (while reminding him he’s married with regular contact and hopefully counseling) than just assuming the worst. She may not even be interested. He may be the one with all the feelings.

If you think it’s important to address this, you can try a conversation like, “I want you to know that I regret walking out right away like this. I really wanted the reconciliation to work, but when you admitted your feelings for someone else, I reacted out of fear more than out of fear.” the logic. I’m sorry. But it bothered me so much that I wasn’t really thinking. I was just reacting. I don’t want you to think that I’m not interested in reconciling anymore. because I am. I just have some real concerns that need to be addressed and I’m not sure that none of us are qualified to do it alone. I would love it if we could go to counseling together or at least you could go with me when I attend. It may or may not work, but if it doesn’t, at least we’ll know we’re trying. I don’t want to give up to this marriage, but neither of us are experts in mental health or marriage, so I think it’s smart to seek help, I don’t want to continue as we are, we both know we miss each other, but we don’t seem to know how to move towards reconciliation successfully. How do you feel about that?”

Hopefully he will agree. If not, I think it’s worth being patient and trying not to panic. If you start pushing and panicking, you almost make it easier on the other woman (and that’s assuming she shares your interest. We don’t know if she does. She may not want to get involved with him, even if he was willing. .)

The hope is that he will eventually miss you the same way he did the first time. But instead of rushing, you’ll now have a chance to build a new base and figure out a few things before you jump right back to living.