“Even so husbands should love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ loves the church, because we are members of his body.” Ephesians 5:28-30

There is no way to justify negligence in marriage from a biblical point of view. It is an oxymoron; it is hypocrisy. We cannot profess to love someone and constantly neglect her most basic needs and desires and expect the relationship to flourish. I am not referring to the occasional carelessness or unintentional failure to love perfectly. There are times when we all fall short, even when our hearts are right. However, the perpetual and deliberate refusal to acknowledge or meet our spouse’s needs represents emotional, material, and perhaps social abandonment.

In a one-flesh union, it is not a burden but a privilege to minister to the heart, mind, and soul of our loved one, because our spouse is an extension of ourselves. We stand before the altar of marriage confident that we will go through this life together with this person who is more than just a partner or a lover, but a collaborator, a teammate, a companion, a confidant and our most trusted friend. Therefore, to neglect a spouse emotionally, physically, or materially is to dishonor and, yes, to break our solemn vows to love, honor, and cherish; vows that reflect not merely intention but active and evidenced devotion.

Quite simply, these vows imply identifying the needs and desires of our spouse, taking the initiative to meet those needs, and invest in the well-being of others with a design to contribute and enjoy in the long term privacy. Therefore, mutual and continuous demonstrations of affection, respect, admiration and attentive care should be common characteristics of a healthy marriage.

However, I have read and heard countless stories of victims who have suffered profound and deliberate manifestations of negligence. Some neglectful husbands* refuse to allow their wives to obtain an education or a job, while at the same time hoarding or controlling income to the point of desperate need for their families. There have been times when the stay-at-home mother must ask permission to take her children to the doctor or dentist for necessary treatment, only to be told by her husband that he does not want to cover the costs, and if she wants to seek medical care, you will have to find some other source of money to pay for it. This same kind of neglect can also be felt in the refusal to buy shoes, clothes, school supplies, or provide transportation and even food.

Then there are the husbands who come home from work expecting a good meal and the freedom to sit speechlessly in front of the television for hours, night after night, without lifting a finger to help with cleaning or household needs or offer to help. children with their homework. These same men expect their taken-for-granted wives to eagerly jump into lover mode at bedtime, then roll over and fall asleep without so much as an “I love you,” as she resorts to holding back to stem the flow of tears. .

And there was the shocking account of a woman whose husband agreed to babysit her young son for a couple of hours several nights a week so she could attend yoga classes. The first night after school, she returned home to find her husband staring stoically at the television, her young son on his lap screaming for attention to no comfort from her father, who offered no explanation or explanation. Sorry. She had fulfilled her express obligation, but nothing more. It was a devastating moment when her mother realized that she couldn’t leave her son with her father for long and she had to give up any idea of ​​attending yoga classes. Neither the needs of the man’s wife nor her son’s were a priority for him.

Depriving a spouse or children of basic material and emotional care is totally inconsistent with what we know as love. It is neglect: the practical abandonment and emotional betrayal of those who should naturally be the recipients of our kindest measures of care and nurturing.

What are some of the things we need?

We need relationship both the intimacy of a one-on-one relationship with our spouse and the freedom and opportunity to enjoy outside relationships and socialize in a variety of settings with friends and family, which may include work, volunteer opportunities, classes, hobbies, gatherings – ups with friends and recreational outings.

We need shared responsibility, a sense of teamwork and cooperation when needed, whether it’s paying bills, running errands, running the home, or taking care of the kids. It should be understood that if we need help; if we are sick or disabled, or involved in a project that requires teamwork, our spouse is willing to do what he can to help, without whining, complaining, rushing, or inferring that we owe him something.

We need to feel understood, respected and accepted., as well as being encouraged and supported as we go through the daily challenges that come with everyday life. We need to know that our spouse will provide us with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on and a heart that does not shame or belittle us, but sees our strengths, loves us despite our weaknesses, and always looks out for our best. Of course, there may be seasons when we each need to give and take, as needed, and similarly, we also have a responsibility to vocalize our needs and desires at times when our spouse simply doesn’t realize it.

We need love. While this includes sex, it should not be limited to sex, but should incorporate incidental displays of care in everyday life, which can be evidenced through acts of service and words of affirmation and casual physical contact. Indeed, if the affection shown in a marriage only consists of sex, then I submit that that would constitute physical neglect. While men may be less inclined to agree with the last statement, in my experience, most women long to experience nonsexual, tender affection in addition to sex in order to feel truly loved, respected, and appreciated.

We need some undivided attention and alone time. Scheduling alone time together periodically outside of the house, and perhaps out of town, gives both partners a chance to relax, detox, and connect on a deeper level of friendship. And many of us need some time too, either alone or with our closest friends. This requires each partner to reasonably accommodate the other’s freedom and need for external connection.

Consistent failure to see or meet the basic needs of our spouses constitutes neglect; a silent assault on the heart, mind and body. Neglect may not be overtly hostile, but it is a betrayal nonetheless, a slow burn, a form of incremental relational starvation, and one of the most subtle and least identified forms of abuse. He whispers softly: “You are not important”, his voice is born from apathy, callousness, selfishness and pride, and his victims will eventually find themselves living a life characterized by a sense of barrenness, loneliness and loss.

Some will say that we must find all our needs met in God, and He will be enough. But in marriage, our spouse has a divine calling and role to play in the relationship, and each of us enters that relationship with the belief that our spouse’s confessed love will translate into an appropriate measure of thoughtful devotion.

The apostle Paul describes the obvious this way:

“In the same way husbands should love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, because no one ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes and cares for it, just as Christ loves the church…”

In the picture Paul paints here, we see the tangible, proactive, love-based evidence of marital devotion. A nourished person is healthy and satisfied, not left begging for basic sustenance.

There is no place for the sad and sullen effects of carelessness in marriage; nor should we be surprised when neglectful marriages fail. As with any other living thing, the relationship that does not receive the nourishment it needs is bound to wither and eventually die.

There is no such thing as a careless and happy marriage.

*Although women can also be abusers, the majority of abusers are men. For this reason, the abuser is referred to in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.