I get a lot of emails from wives and girlfriends asking for specific reasons why a man would be unfaithful or have an affair. The truth is that the reasons why men cheat are as varied as the personality of the man himself. Sometimes it is a personality defect in the man. Sometimes it is due to the perception of a man. (Whether he is correct in this perception or not is another story.) And sometimes, it’s because a man is vulnerable around the same time that another woman approaches him or enters the scene. Or, it could be a combination of some or all of these things. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Many men cheat in the hope of validation or a boost in self-esteem: Many women don’t believe me when I tell them that many times a man’s cheating has more to do with him and how he perceives himself than it does with her and how the man perceives his wife or girlfriend. Always remember that it is part of basic human nature to want to feel like a winner. Everyone wants to feel attractive, charming, interesting, and understood.

Although there are some very basic differences between women and men, men have many of the same anxieties, vulnerabilities, and doubts that we do. They wonder if they are good enough, attractive enough, smart enough, etc. They get a huge boost in their self-esteem when a woman they find attractive thinks the same about them. In a perfect world, this woman is always you. However, we all know that she just doesn’t work this way all the time.

It’s perfectly understandable that we can’t always fawn over them, rave about them, and recognize when they need a little extra attention to boost their self-esteem. However, this is what most of us did early in the relationship, so this is what most of them look forward to throughout the duration. They may be bitterly disappointed when this does not turn out to be the reality of the situation.

And usually, at the moment when they experience this disappointment and try to assuage the doubts that arise in their head, this other person appears who is essentially nothing more than being in the right place at the right time. He projects feelings of insecurity and doubts onto her and suddenly sees in her the answer to these problems. It is very important that you understand this and see that this cycle has less to do with you (and your perceived flaws) than you think.

Men sometimes use an affair to minimize the boredom and monotony in their lives: It’s pretty well accepted that men have shorter attention spans than women. And, they often need a lot more attention to be entertained or content than a woman would. Sometimes when they start to feel a little restless and bored, they don’t say anything. Unfortunately, they won’t ask you to spend more time with them or tell you that they would like more quality alone time to try new things. Instead, they will try to add some excitement to their lives that doesn’t include you. They are able to justify this to themselves by rationalizing that they will get this out of their system, go home happier, and that no one needs to know or get hurt.

Many of them will actually tell me that they thought they were doing themselves and their wives a favor by having their problematic needs met elsewhere. In fact, they tell me that this makes them a better husband and a more effective father afterwards. It is important to realize that they really mean these things when they say them. They believe this in their own mind. That is why they can look at you quite honestly and wonder why you are so upset. For them, this indiscretion does not mean love or emotional attachment. They are easily able to separate from one another in a way that most women simply cannot understand.

Men sometimes cheat wanting to get caught or to get their wife’s attention: This scenario is less common, but I actually hear it quite a bit. Some men tell me that having an affair was really the only way to get his wife’s attention. They will claim that they have repeatedly asked their wives for more attention or a change in routine. However, they assure that these requests have fallen on deaf ears. His story is that they repeatedly tried to get his wife to be more attentive or pay attention, but she always put the needs of the children or work or the house first. In short, the husband feels that he is a second-class citizen and wants to do something dramatic to get out of that role. So, he’s going to have an affair and he’s really going to want to get caught because he wants the undivided attention of his wife.

Another issue about this is that a man will have an affair as a way to “get back” at his wife for having her own affair or for doing something for some omission that he felt caused her to serve up this behavior.