A little bit of jealousy spices up a relationship a bit, but too much jealousy can be destructive in any romantic relationship. Jealousy occurs when a spouse feels threatened by a third person who he or she believes is a rival and a threat to their relationship. Jealousy can be healthy or unhealthy and can be based on real threats or just imagined threats. Unhealthy jealousy that is usually unnecessary and unreasonable can ruin a marriage.

When does jealousy become unhealthy?

Jealousy is healthy when it pushes partners to be more loving, sensitive, and committed to each other because they value each other so much that they don’t want to lose each other. Unhealthy jealousy, on the other hand, makes the relationship problematic. Unhealthy jealousy or unnecessary accusations of infidelity push the jealous spouse to think and act irrationally. Extreme jealousy can push a spouse to have irrational thoughts and display unacceptable behavior. These unacceptable behaviors may include stalking the accused spouse, going through and monitoring the accused spouse’s personal belongings such as phones, clothing, bags, journals, social media accounts, etc. for evidence of sexual infidelity, cutting off the spouse’s relationship with friends, unexpected visits to the spouse’s workplace, confronting or interrogating the spouse and the worst is committing violence to make the accused spouse confess.

How to deal with unhealthy jealousy? There are ways to deal with irrational jealousy. The following tips can be very helpful.

Acknowledge that your irrational jealousy is the problem and not your spouse. A jealous spouse usually recognizes that his jealousy is unreasonable and based on unsubstantiated evidence, but finds it difficult to control suspicions or feelings of jealousy that make him miserable. The jealous spouse believes that if his suspicions can be proven, he will feel better. Unfortunately, this is not possible because irrational thoughts or suspicions cannot be refuted by rationality. In this case, you have to choose to trust your spouse more and acknowledge that your irrational jealousy is the problem.

Understand the underlying reasons behind your irrational jealousy. There is a reason why a jealous spouse constantly accuses and believes that their partner is committing sexual infidelity without valid reasons. One reason could be that a jealous spouse saw one of her parents engage in spousal infidelity when he or she was young. Fear of abandonment is another reason if a jealous spouse has experienced abandonment or loneliness from their loved ones. The feeling of inferiority or inadequacy may be the reason why you constantly compare yourself with others. For example, an older spouse with reduced sexual ability due to his age may feel insufficient to sexually satisfy a younger wife and may feel threatened or extremely jealous of the younger men around him. Alcohol or substance abuse can also affect reasoning and they tend to be more suspicious or jealous. Understanding the reason behind your irrational jealousy can help you address your unhealthy jealousy triggers and find the treatment that works for you.

Refuse to engage in irrational thoughts and make an effort to stop the irrational behavior. Every time you have those jealous thoughts and start accusing or questioning your spouse again, stop immediately and distract yourself. Tell yourself to stop this unnecessary jealousy over and over again and remind yourself how this unhealthy jealousy is damaging your relationship. Write down the wonderful things your spouse did for you to remind yourself how much you love them. Talk to a friend. Stay busy doing the things you love. Do whatever it takes to avoid those irrational thoughts and avoid unacceptable behavior. You can’t always be successful because you can’t change the way you think and act overnight, but you must keep trying until you finally succeed in changing your irrational thoughts and behavior. Reward yourself every time you manage to overcome your irrational jealousy.

Get professional help. Irrational or unhealthy jealousy can be difficult to manage or control on your own, so don’t hesitate to seek professional help. There are counselors and therapists who can help you deal with this unhealthy jealousy. The longer you delay seeking help, the longer it will haunt you and your relationship. If you want to save your marriage, act now and seek professional help before it’s too late.

For more guides on how to save a troubled marriage, visit How to Save a Troubled Relationship