I recently spoke with a friend about her anger at her husband and how it had lasted for several days. She seemed to let it bother her in everything she did. They are both Christians, yet they seemed to have conflicts over simple matters that occur every day. He wanted to know ways to vent his feelings and, at the same time, avoid conflict. He did not feel free to express his anger, as that would put him on the defensive and they would be more distant than before.

I am not the expert on this but there are many experts in each city who can help. In a recent poll, LifeWay (a Christian-based group) had researchers ask for answers on the “top 10 problems facing today’s family.” More than 2,000 people from all over the country were part of this project. What they discovered were the same things that the family unit has seen in all areas of our own families, including my own. This is what they found:

1. Anti-christian culture
2. Broken homes
3. Busy parents and children
4. No male or father figure
5. Relaxed in discipline
6. Financial stress
7. Lack of communication
8. Negative media influences
9. Materialism
10. Deviations from morality

How can we learn from this and, better yet, not just complain as we sit aside watching our families and marriages dissolve and grow further and further out of our control?

“I personally believe that while all of these things are certainly influencing our culture, and we are just seeing some of the results of the ‘fall of man,'” says a Nashville Christian marriage counselor.

Counselors are here to help couples identify areas of their marriages that are negatively affected by the fall, such as:

Balancing our work and family time,

Discipline problems,

Our need to be busy, etc.

The initial reaction of most people is to blame your spouse. Or blame the economy, the media, or even the world. I think the common thought process is: “I am unhappy and you are to blame!” What I heard recently when counseling an unhappy wife was, “I am angry at my husband because it is his responsibility to make me happy.” Although our spouses can do things that we are unhappy with, blaming our partner for our unhappiness is irresponsible, proud, and arrogant. (again attributes of the fall of man or rather, our sinful nature).

What we need to do is help couples begin to take responsibility for their own happiness. For example, the thought “my husband drives me crazy” assumes that one person is actually powerful enough to “make” another feel something. But I have seen amazing changes in the dynamics of a marriage when a person begins to take responsibility for their own emotions. For example, say, “I get mad when my husband is late for dinner.” Instead of saying “you make me angry, they say I get angry when …”

Simply by changing the “you” to the “me”, you go from guilt to responsibility. That shows the progress that they are beginning to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions; him for being late and she for choosing to be angry in response to his delay.

This will allow both individuals to begin to see things more closely now. They have moved on from guilt, where fenders can put up walls, but now they can start to get a little “under the hood” and help you find other healthy options. It is not about changing your behavior; People don’t fix people! That would be the control. This is setting effective limits.

She might deal with this in a healthier way that would sound like, “Bill, I’m upset that you were an hour late for dinner and didn’t call me to let me know. This is the third time this month that you’ve done this and I’m getting sick of it. your irresponsible pattern of being late and inconsiderate. I’m angry, your dinner is in the oven and I’m going to bed. Hopefully in the future you’ll be more considerate and call me when you’re running late. ” This may sound harsh, but I’m imagining his voice in a normal, controlled tone. Controlled anger, both assertive and assertive, would seem to fit the appropriate biblical anger model of “getting angry, but not sinning.” Letting her constant delay control when they would eat or how hungry she was while she waited for him is letting her self-control problem really control her!

Years ago I had a friend who was 30 minutes late the first time we met for lunch. I was a bit disturbed when I realized that he had no good reason for his delay and was no longer considerate of me. The next time we met for lunch, I decided that if I was late again, after 10 minutes, I would order and start eating. When he arrived (30 minutes late) he was almost done eating. He was a bit annoyed with his tardiness pattern, but not necessarily angry. I had a nice, leisurely lunch alone. I couldn’t believe I started eating without him being there! We met, ordered, and left when I had to go even though I hadn’t finished eating. I didn’t go on purpose to teach him a lesson; In fact, I had a commitment that I needed and wanted to fulfill on time! We still meet for lunch from time to time and he usually comes in a little early, on time, or calls to tell me he’s late. I didn’t try to fix or change it; He just didn’t want to let his delay dictate how he felt and when he ate. I have problems with my blood sugar and I care when I eat. We remain good friends to this day (as far as I know!).