The formula for harmony and marital success is not a mysterious secret. In fact, it is very simple.

The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that is required to keep the channels of love and communication clear of obstacles. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they arise so anger and hurt feelings don’t build up.

Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, like remembering to show affection and appreciation often. They know that the more connected and bonded they feel, the more motivated they will be to solve problems and endure when the going gets tough.

The following eight steps will guide you to see what you can do to increase your chances of creating a happy and harmonious marriage:

1. Work on yourself and your own problems that you brought into the marriage.

Many of the responses you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events dating back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds feels disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you will experience an intense reaction. One-on-one counseling can help you become more aware of what is behind your intense reactions and what you can do to avoid overreacting to problems in your marriage.

2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.

Guilt only makes the other person defensive and angry, and decreases the likelihood that the two of you will be able to find a mutually beneficial solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what is happening in the marriage, you are sowing seeds of resentment that can damage the relationship. A marriage is made up of two people, each contributing to the quality of the relationship and sharing responsibility for it.

3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s shoes when problems arise.

Try to really understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you cannot understand. Ask your spouse to talk about your feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify the points you do not understand. Develop a curiosity to learn more about your spouse’s feelings, and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for discussions with your spouse.

Four. Find ways to make life easier for your partner and show your love.

Many of the irritants and stressors of modern life are the little things: the extra time it takes to pick up clothes on the way home from work or to put clean dishes in the dishwasher. When you see an errand or task you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.

Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or unwind. Be on the lookout for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. Often times, it’s the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.

5. Express your appreciation often and get into the habit of saying “thank you.”

As the months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and forget to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they are doing wrong and never compliment them.

It’s sad to think that the person who means the most to you has to wonder if you appreciate them or not. Let your spouse know how much he means to you often. Give compliments and compliments freely, and express thanks for everything your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.

6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your involvement in whatever happens in the marriage.

The truth is that sometimes it is difficult to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”

Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can easily happen. It is a sign of maturity when you can say, “I am very sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”

7. Have interests, hobbies, and activities in your life that you enjoy so that you won’t be so easily strayed from the center if you have a fight or row with your spouse.

It is important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you and that can help you stay balanced and grounded if other areas of your life are disruptive. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to cope with ongoing stress.

For example, if you and your spouse come across some rocks along the path of your relationship, you could take a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance temporary problems in your marriage. You are always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.

8. Find fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your partner.

Be on the lookout for activities that might be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Look in the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants being advertised. Laughter and fun bond with each other and can help create those “Kodak moments” that are so enjoyable.

Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and how good it feels to work together with a shared purpose.